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Yes, It's Cold Enough For Me

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2007-02-21


On the way out of Meijerís a week or so ago, I saw some idiot (it was a guy, naturally) wearing shorts. Downtown temperature is currently 18 degrees.

This guy's shorts were the usual oversized, silky, basketball-style type. So technically, they were almost (dare I say it?) capri pants for men. I think we would all agree they are basketball shorts, and as such, the man deserves to freeze to death for wearing them.

As I write this we are in the middle of a cold grip. We had it pretty easy from November until about January 20, or so. But then the bitter cold hit, and along with it, ice and snow. And as I write this, it hasn't let up. I think Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow, but I wouldn't be surprised if this stuff last for at least another two weeks to a month.

What really pisses me off though, is people acting surprised that it's cold. People here are dumb enough to expect temperatures to remain mild year-round, even though they know it will get cold. There's an easy solution to that: move south. Or else move south for the winter. Can't afford either option? Then join the club. You're here for the reason probably 80 percent of us stay here: it's not for the glamorous, high-paying jobs or the picturesque scenery or the local Texas hold'em tournaments or Big Boy boxer contests or wet t-shirt
contests. You're here because it's a cheap place to live. Either that, or your family won't allow you to leave.

Granted, really cold weather puts stress on a lot of things. Cars, heaters, pipes, and streets tend to break down a bit more in the winter. House fires always seem to happen in the bitterest of cold, leaving the fire department trying to keep the water flowing despite the temperature. Things always seem harder in the winter.

But like a particular four-letter word, winter happens. If you're a person, the best thing to do is to dress appropriately. Save your shorts for the summer. Here's a novel concept: wear double layers or slap on some thermal underwear. Leave the hip-huggers and the belly button baring t-shirts at home. Goose bumps on flesh aren't really that pretty, unless you're into the lumpy skin look.

On second thought, however, residents of Fort Wayne should be the best-equipped citizens in the entire U.S. when it comes to surviving the cold. With the amount of flab the average Summit City resident is carrying, we should be embracing the cold weather like a menopausal woman craves a cool breeze.

Unfortunately, instead of reveling in our chain-restaurant fortified ability to look like polar bears year-round and the insulation such nourishment provides, we grumble when the first cold snap hits. We defiantly wear shorts in sub-freezing weather and leave our jackets unzipped as we rush from our heated cars into heated stores. When you get right down to it, the average person in Fort Wayne probably only spends 10 minutes a day out in the cold. That's not a lot of time. So bundle up. Wearing shorts isn't going to make spring get here any faster. It only makes you look like a dumb ass.

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