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Gloria’s New Year’s Resolutions for… certain people

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader


It’s more than a month into the new year, and like everyone else, I’ve got resolutions of my own. They are pretty mundane (watch more boxing movies, add to my barf bag collection, stay away from annoying, life-draining people) but I’ve also got resolutions for people who probably don’t even think they need resolutions. Here now, is my list of resolutions for certain people:

—Britney Spears needs to divorce Kevin Federline NOW in order to get that white trash stink off herself. Of all the eligible, ambitious men out in Hollyweird, why did she pick some skanky guy that looked like he just came from the set of Jerry Springer?

—Rap stars should wear Kevlar vests. It just makes sense. Being a rap star is probably second only to being a convenience store employee in terms of danger. Rap stars get paid a lot more, but they are still a target. So to make sure our precious rap resources aren’t pushed to the point of extinction, get those vests on!

—Some entrepreneur needs to start a restaurant chain called Peckers, and hire men to run around in Speedos serving chicken wings and grinders. If Hooters can be successful, why not Peckers? After all folks, it’s 2006, and if it’s okay to degrade female Americans making less than minimum wage, why not make it equal opportunity degradation and make the guys trot around half naked for $2.15 an hour plus tips, or whatever servers are paid now?

—Men who propose on national television should be shot. They do it only because the woman wouldn’t dare refuse a marriage proposal on national television, but I hope one day to see a woman say, “you’re asking me to marry you on national television? Are you crazy?! And by the way, the answer is NO!” If you ask someone to spend the rest of your life with you (the equivalent of around seven years these days) it should be done in a quiet, dignified setting. Not at a rock concert, not at the Super Bowl, not in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

—On a similar note, marriage counselors won’t be allowed to practice unless they are in happy, healthy marriages themselves. And they must have been married at least 10 years or more. Asking a couple that’s been married for one year how they keep the magic in their union is a little like asking a five-year-old shortly after his fifth birthday how he manages to look so young.

—No more “Blanking With The Stars” shows. I saw the first installment of “Dancing With The Stars,” but it wasn’t compelling enough to keep my interest. It’s the sort of thing you flip to while you’re reading the paper or doing needlepoint. It’s white noise. Oh, I suppose if they had “Pot Smoking With Snoop Doggy Dog and the Stars,” or “Filing Bankruptcy With The Stars,” it might be worth a watch. “Pigging Out With The Stars,” now, that could be fun, but they aren’t going to show anything like that soon. Actors seem hell-bent on trying to be everything; making $5 million a picture just isn’t enough. So they have to be Everyman (or Everywoman) and take up fashion designing, dancing, figure skating, fitness lecturing, spokesmodeling, music and/or visual art. That’s not to say they shouldn’t be allowed to do it in private, but why do they feel compelled to subject us with their newest hobby? Anybody remember the album Bruce Willis made? I rest my case.

I’ve also made some other resolutions for myself, but I think I’ll keep those private. You know how it is; when you announce something to the world, you sorta have to follow through, and I’ve done enough announcing and not much follow through.

And I promise to rent “Cinderella Man” and that one movie with Hilary Swank in it soon. Really.

Speed bags, vaseline and boxing shorts to: GloriaDcolumnist@aol.com.

Like everyone else, Gloria is blogging:

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