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And Now a Message From Our Savior

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2005-12-12

To: Certain members of “The Flock”
From: Jesus Christ, CEO Christianity, Incorporated
Re: Our corporate image

First of all I want to start out by wishing you all a Happy Holiday season. Wait. Let me rephrase that: what I really want to say is “Merry Christmas.” After all, I AM the reason for the season.

Now that that’s out of the way, it has come to my attention that some of you who claim to follow me aren’t doing such a good job of presenting the corporate image the way I envisioned it. Quite a few of you are doing a good job; you are helping people out, donating your time and money to those who could use it, setting positive examples, etc. But there are those of you, particularly the more recent converts to the Christian faith, who are giving the rest of us a bad name. Instead of attracting people, by declaring yourselves “Born Again Christians,” you are turning people off in a big way. I’ve heard some of you complain about your Catholic brothers trying to convert those of you who are Protestant, and that disturbs me, but I’m far more worried about the “Born Agains” who are declaring open season on everyone. You’ve got to be gentle about it, and not beat the beliefs over people’s heads. After all, I’m the final judge here. Dad created all of you, and I died for your sins. And trust me, there are plenty of them!

What’s bothering me is the way you are presenting Christianity to other Christians and non-Christians. What ever happened to “Walking the walk, and talking the talk”? I see all those bracelets that say, “What Would Jesus Do?” What WOULD I do? Well, let me tell you.

For starters, you are ruining the planet by driving gas guzzlers. Have you looked at the gas prices lately? Aside from saving a few bucks, you might consider that you are only renting this planet for a few years. I would hope before spending eternity with me that you show some respect for my dad’s work. And those SUVs? Well, let me tell you what those letters stand for: Satan Undermines Values. I would certainly not drive one of these behemoths.

Another thing that worries me is your hatred towards others that don’t have as much money and possessions as you do, or who have a different skin color. How Christian is that? People, it isn’t. And those of you who claim to be good Christians but hate the poor, the minorities and others whose lifestyle don’t quite match with your own need to step back and ask yourself not “What Would I Do?” But “what is the RIGHT thing to do?"

The Ten Commandments aren’t just for decorating walls. It’s pretty much our corporate mission statement. So where did you all lose control? Hardly anyone lives with just the biological parents anymore. It’s biological mom and stepdad, stepmom and biological dad, or foster parents. Some of your parents are such failures at child-rearing, your grandparents are raising you. Kids, have some sympathy for them, okay? Being a parent is hard enough, it becomes a lot harder when you’re old. The so-called "normal" American family nowadays includes “second marriages,” (and third and fourth marriages, in some cases) and “blended families.” And it looks a little ridiculous for those of you who have finally found me to have a trail of spouses in your wake. It makes you look like
you don’t truly believe in the institution of marriage. Either that, or you are so desperate for a mate that you’ll hook up with anybody. And you DARE judge others? Look in the mirror for me’s sake! Er, for Pete’s sake!

All I’m saying is, if you claim to follow me, lighten up a little, okay? Because those of you who turn people off to what I and the corporation are all about are hurting the image. I hung with the down and out, I tried to teach people and in the end, I died for your sins. I don’t expect you people to get nailed to a cross, but could you have a little compassion? Could you offer a small helping hand to someone? Could you stop jettisoning spouses at the drop of a hat? I never did find that “special lady,” but you can bet if we had some marital problems, dad would have intervened if we’d asked for his help.

So C’mon people now, smile on your brother. I am the reason for the season. Let’s make 2006 a great year, not a dad-awful one.