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Rumor Has It...

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2005-11-14

People complain about the liberal media, but I think there is something else afoot that we should be more worried about. Do you ever wonder where all the frightening crap in the world comes from? The bizarre fashion trends? The goofy urban legends? And the latest health disaster? I’m convinced there is a huge building in Southern California, where the Ministry of Health Scare, The Department of Mandatory Fashion Trends and the Disturbing Predictions Network are housed. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Centers For Science in the Public Interest have an office in the same building, or at least down the street.

The Ministry of Health Scare is responsible for telling us this will be the “worst flu season ever,” with the possibility likely that millions of us will get the flu and keel over as if it were the Black Plague all over again. Of course, at the same time, no one who is fairly healthy under the age of 65 will be able to purchase a flu shot. That would be Yours Truly and most of my friends. I guess since I’m going to die this winter of the flu, I can continue my diet of junk food since I’m doomed anyway. Chips and dip, anyone?

Then, there is the Department of Mandatory Fashion Trends. Last year’s clothes simply won’t do, so you are obligated to go out and buy a whole new fall/winter wardrobe starting in July, and get a new spring/summer wardrobe in January. And all the trends are expensive. I guess the DMFT thinks everyone makes $50 an hour or more, because can’t EVERYONE afford to buy a $500 leather jacket? Or course, you could get a “more affordable” version of the same jacket for a mere $250. And it doesn’t matter what length the skirts are — I don’t wear them. And when I do, the skirt length is what looks good on ME, not what Vogue magazine says is “acceptable.” I manage to get compliments on my outfits despite shopping at Goodwill and other secondhand outlets. I buy stuff that looks
good and coordinates with what’s already in my closet. For this, I expect the DMFT to send some of their “fashion police” after me for not submitting to their will.

The Disturbing Predictions Network I try to tune out altogether. They sometimes work in tandem with the Ministry of Health Scare by pumping out info like devastating flu seasons, but they also are responsible for making us worry about future fuel prices, eating too much salt, bizarre crime schemes, Social Security going bankrupt, new terror threats, computer viruses, killer bees, cancer, bleeding ulcers, the health effects of movie theater popcorn, Internet scams, women being abducted in parking lots by men supposedly selling perfume, hypodermic needles contaminated with the AIDS virus attached to gasoline pump handles, street gangs, exploding butane lighters and the heartbreak of psoriasis. The network was, of course, behind the whole “Mikey from the Life cereal
commercial supposedly dying from eating Pop Rocks and drinking Coke” rumor. He
didn’t, of course. I wasn’t sucked in by the whole “Bubble Yum has spider eggs in it” rumor either. I like to think I have a built in B.S. detector, but occasionally it malfunctions, like the time I got a college degree because I was told if you didn’t have one, you would be eternally poor. Hey... wait a minute!

Here’s what I think: we are all going to die someday. Every day we have one less day on this Earth. We can try to eat the purest of foods and exercise, but all the pollution in the air and radiation from various appliances is probably canceling out to some extent whatever steps we are taking to improve our health. That doesn’t mean I advocate an all junk-food diet (she typed, while munching on potato chips) but things need to be handled with moderation.

So the next time you get a chain letter from a struggling newspaper columnist promising good luck if you send her money and keep the chain going, or bad luck if you don’t, consider it a product of the Disturbing Predictions Network.

And consider sending a small donation.