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Gloria's Plan For a Better USA

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2005-09-05

I’m deeply concerned about this country. It’s not my mom and dad’s America anymore. People are rude, corporations eliminate thousands of jobs at the drop of a hat, housing is unaffordable, and don’t get me started on the health insurance problem. I don’t profess to have all the answers, but let me tell you something: if I’m in charge, things are going to be different. So do you want what we have now, a democracy where everyone is free to behave like hooligans, greed runs rampant and stupidity and self-centeredness is allowed to remain unchecked? Or do you want a not-so-kinder, not-so-gentler America that actually seems to have its you-know-what together? I thought so! Here now is Generalissima Gloria’s suggestions for a better USA:

1. School starts after Labor Day, not in mid-August. Whatever genius decided
starting school in the middle of the hottest month should be shot.

2. Magnetic change. Okay, I stole this one from Adam “Loveline” Carolla, but
who cares? This way, coins won’t jingle around in your pocket, they would stick to each other in a handy, palm-sized glob of change. Vending machines would be reconfigured to handle this. And if you get bored, you can toss pennies at your major appliances and watch them stick.

3. Road crews work from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.

4. I’ll make it illegal to rename any stadium, arena or baseball park after a corporation. I mean, c’mon, U.S. Cellular Field? Comerica Park? Under my regime, er, um administration, these would be changed back to their original names, or else be renamed for something that people associate with the city.

5. With number four in mind, I would build a new coliseum in Fort Wayne and call it “Big Ass Arena.” Since we are among the fattest cities in the U.S. it would be totally appropriate. The inaugural concert would be performed by Barenaked Ladies. It would be funny to hear people say, “did you see Barenaked Ladies at Big Ass Arena?”

6. Prices for concert t-shirts for all bands performing in the United States would be set at a maximum of $10. If you’re like me, you hate shelling out $35-$40 for a t-shirt that looks like crap the first time you wash it.

7. You cannot give your kid a stupid name. When I worked in Huntington, I had to pick up birth announcements at the local hospital. One day, I was asked by my boss to call Huntington Memorial to verify that the Dice family had indeed named their second son, Rollen ‘Em. If this kid winds up being a homicidal maniac, we ALL know who to blame. I guess I should be glad they didn’t name the kid, “Sorry Pal, No…”

8. Anyone wanting a tattoo will be charged a $100 “body defacing fee.” The fees will go into an account to help out those who don’t have health insurance. However, if you get an infection or become sick from getting a tattoo, you are ineligible to receive that money.

9. In a similar vein, anyone wanting to pierce anything besides their earlobes will have to pay a $100 per piercing tax, which will also go into the” Help the uninsured” fund. And, if you get infected from a piercing you don’t get your piercing tax back either.

10. Gentlemen wanting to get their guiche pierced will be given a free psychiatric screening prior to the piercing.

11. If you buy an SUV, but have the gall to complain about gas prices, you will be severely beaten by a group of Geo Metro owners, led by yours truly.

12. Those purchasing fuel-efficient cars will be rewarded with gas discounts for as long as they own the car.

I have more, but I thought I’d break you people in gently. Change isn’t easy, but under the Buenos Diaz regime...er presidency, things would be better, at least for some of us.