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If I Had a Hundred Million Dollars

By Gloria Diaz

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Fort Wayne Reader

2018-11-15

I'm super-bummed that I didn't win the Mega Millions, but life goes on, I guess. I don't buy tickets all the time, just when the jackpot reaches a fantasy number. I'm well aware my odds for getting into a car accident, being a victim of a terrorist attack, and seeing the return of Jesus are much better than winning the lottery, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming, and buying the occasional ticket.

So what would I buy if I had a hundred million after taxes?

Maybe I'd buy enough socks and underwear that I wouldn't ever have to wash them again. I'd just keep buying fresh packages, and throw away the dirty ones. But I think I'd feel guilty after a while. My parents grew up during the depression, and I'm terrible with money, but my older undergarments and socks usually find their final resting place out in the garden. They spend their last months of usefulness wrapped around tomato plants and stakes.

The first thing I would probably buy is a recreational vehicle. Nothing too huge or ostentatious, although it might be fun to buy a million dollar palace on wheels, with a 24 karat gold finish and diamond-studded hubcaps, with “Poverty Sucks” in platinum script, bumper to bumper. No, I think I'd get something more modest, and take the hell off. It might be fun (and necessary) to disappear after winning so much money.

Let's see, what else would I buy? That seven-bedroom home in the Toronto area, and the vacation home in Puerto Rico, and probably a little place in Sandusky, so I can get my Cedar Point on. I'd live near Lake Erie from my birthday through October, then head to Toronto for a couple of months, then after New Year's, head to the Caribbean. Maybe I'd set up a factory that made “Trump Sucks” signs, in order to bring some money into the island and to put people to work.

I'd get a bidet. Much more pleasant than paper. Trust me.

Buy several pairs of Not Your Mother's Jeans. Holy crap, they are worth every penny.

Buy that Dior English saddle handbag. Wait—not just one, I'd have a collection. I've wanted that handbag for decades now.

Speaking of saddles, I'd buy that horse I've always wanted. And start taking riding lessons again.

I'd indulge myself. I'd work on all sorts of craft projects, writing projects, photography projects.

I'd start a restaurant—Peckers, with male waiters wearing yellow Speedos, because hey guys, haven't you always wanted to be judged on your looks and physique for $2.13 an hour plus tips?

I'd have a sand room. Six inches of sand, so I could build sand castles in a climate-controlled environment.

I'd buy a Hasselblad camera. Specifically an H6D 400c, which currently costs about as much as my house is worth. I'd buy it. I could lease it, but leasing is for losers.

This isn't all I'd buy, but I think I'm off to a good start.