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Remakes She'd LIKE to See

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2016-06-03

A friend and I went to see The Jungle Book. I’d seen the original of course, and told myself to go into the remake with an open mind. Well, Ms. Picky Bitch was VERY impressed. The scenery was gorgeous, they kept the classic songs (“I Wanna be Like You”, “The Bare Necessities” and “Trust in Me”) and the speaking animals looked realistic, and not cheesy. I was pleasantly surprised.

But I wondered why Hollywood is so hell-bent with remaking classic films. Is it because it worked the first time? Is it because Hollywood has run out of ideas? Or does Hollywood rightly figure those people aged 18-34 have never SEEN these classic films, and therefore, the remakes seem “new”? It’s probably the first and third reasons.

That being said, I have a list of classic films to be remade that might be interesting with fresh faces and certain directors.

This one isn’t original: I got this from a meme I saw on Facebook. A live action remake of Bambi with Samuel L. Jackson in the title role. Directed by Quintin Tarantino, of course.

National Velvet, starring Amy Schumer as Velvet Brown, the horse-crazy teenage girl. The irony here being that in the novel, Velvet was a skinny, pale, blonde teenager who threw up a lot because of nerves, and Schumer is the new face of voluptuous.

Gone With the Wind: Samuel L. Jackson as Mammy and Rebel Wilson as Scarlett O’Hara. Justin Bieber as Ashley Wilkes and Channing Tatum as Rhett Butler. Dakota Johnson as Melanie Hamilton. Plot twist: Tatum tells Wilson he doesn’t give a f---, and runs off with Bieber. Johnson, as Hamilton, gets a spine and beats the crap out of Wilson. Directed by Quentin Tarantino, with added battle scenes.

Song of the South: Rachel Dolezal as Uncle Remus. Directed by Oliver Stone.

The Aristocats: Starring Grumpy Cat, Keyboard Cat, and Snoopy Cat. Starring Samuel L. Jackson as Edgar, the butler.

A Clockwork Orange: Jennifer Lawrence as Alex, Amandla Stenberg as Pete, Willow Shields as Georgie, and Isabelle Furhman as Dim. Directed by Michael Patrick King.

A Hundred and One Dalmatians (renamed A Hundred and One Shibes): Live action, and title roles are NOT played by Dalmatians, but by Shiba Inus. are played by internet star Kabosu, better known as Doge. No dialogue is spoken, but dialogue appears on screen in Comic Sans font. Many Doges. Very chaos. Directed by the Coen Brothers.

Fiddler on the Roof: Mel Gibson as Tevye. Christopher Walken as the constable.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Plot twist—the factory appears to make chocolate, but it is actually a vegetable processing plant, with the workers in a sweatshop-type environment. They are forced to listen to bad covers of 50s and 60s songs and do aerobics. With Richard Simmons as Willy Wonka.

Jaws (animated): Featuring the voice talents of Donald Trump as Jaws, Rosie O’Donnell as chief Martin Brody, Renée Zellweger as Matt Hooper, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck as Mayor Larry Vaughn. Whoopi Goldberg as Quint.

If Hollywood takes note, I want a percentage of the profits.