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Dating Profiles Highly Entertaining, as well as Horrifying
By Gloria Diaz
Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!
Fort Wayne Reader
I’m back on another dating site, and this time, it’s for entertainment purposes only. I was a professional proofreader for a while, and while I may not catch every mistake (it’s really hard to proof your own work) I can catch a lot of goofs in other peoples’ work.
Annnnnnd boy howdy, there are a LOT of mistakes in these profiles. It’s not just punctuation (or lack of it). It’s incomplete sentences, non sequiturs, bizarre confessions, inappropriate sexual references, and downright hilarious phrases that I’m sure weren’t meant to be hilarious.
I’m having a great time reading profiles. True to form, it’s not the user names or photos that I’m drawn to, it’s how the men express themselves. And it’s downright hysterical. I’ve been putting them on my blog, www.edgeofgloria.blogspot.com. I post excerpts, then reply with snarky responses. I haven’t actually sent my responses to the guys, because their lives are sad enough. Feast your eyes on these actual profiles and my responses:
“like going out and having a great time and be vary sexurl when the time comes to play”
This reminds me of that Ermagerrd Meme. I like sexurl intercourse ern a king serzed berd.
“I am expected to tell you things that make you want to respond to me without seeming creepy or intimidating. I need to say to you the things that I am in search of without loosing my masculinity. The truth is; I am just a guy that wants to meet a woman that feels me up.”
You want a woman to feel you up? Creepy.
“When someone says they are giving you something for free there really.is a price for that!”
Women have known that for years. They KNOW they are probably going to have to put out if you buy us dinner. It’s like buying us jewelry to get sex. We know how it works.
“brandishing my power tools and knowledge of working a hoe”
That just sounds really mean and dangerous.
“Birds learn to fly, never knowing where flight will take them.”
Sometimes, it’s straight into a jet engine.
“I'm a Minnesota transplant moving here for a great job offer a few years ago. So far everything been great! The job didn't work out so great”
If you would stop using the word “great” to describe things that haven’t worked out “great” that would be great.
“had a fiancee and baby on the way both was murdered while I was in boot camp”
This is really, really tragic…but WHY would you put this in a dating profile? Because it would be awesome in a country/western song! Let me see if I can finish it… I know you are both in a much better place, and I’ve run my long race, but Jesus my feet are so damp…. Okay, I’m going to hell for this.
“I have not had sex in over 2.5 years”
Guys, please don’t. I know it’s sad, but this just comes across as desperate.
“Im looking for someone to get to know very well and do things with.......lots of things.....planned things and spur of the moment things.....right now things.....”
How about thingy things?
“I graduate from the Remington college of cosmetology (on line course) in 2 weeks and can't wait to begin my career as an astronaut! :)”
I HOPE this guy knows the difference between cosmetology and cosmology….
“profile no complete”
Y U no complete profile?
“I may be the only blue collar man who enjoys opera and getting my feet and hands done”
Gay men are the best! They are funny, witty, charming, know how to put an outfit together and smell good!
“Someone who loves enjoying watching sportscenter as much as anything else lol.”
He’s divorced. I’m guessing they broke up over what channel the television was on.
“I care what I look like, and you should too”
Narcissism much? Ironically, you can hardly see what he looks like because his pictures are poorly lit.
“I HAD MY DAYS WITH THE LAW,, IM NOT A BAD PERSON,, JUST THOUGHT ID THROW IT OUT THERE,”
So, cannibal, rapist, or serial killer? Or maybe it’s unlawful conduct with punctuation.
Want more? Check out www.edgeofgloria.blogspot.com