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Who needs sleep?

By Gloria Diaz

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Fort Wayne Reader

2014-12-18

As I write this, I’ve been up for 33 hours straight. The sad thing is, I’m just a little bit sleepy. I’m waiting for the Unisom to do its magic. Or not. Last night, I took two of them, probably two or three hours apart. I tossed and turned, watching the windows get lighter, and lighter, and by 10 a.m., I said a variation of “screw it” that Mr. Fort Wayne Reader can’t print in the paper and got up.

I don’t get it. I never had this much trouble sleeping as a kid, and theoretically, I should have. Isn’t that the time of your life when you have the most energy? Aren’t those the days when you can stay out until 3 a.m. drinking and still make it to work by 8 the next morning? (I never partied, I just heard stories about this from others.) Instead, I’m middle-aged and contemplating getting a third shift job to go with my two part-time jobs and grad school gig, just to prove that I can do it. I’ve got some time off coming up, and I may just see how many days I can stay up, just for fun. Plus, I can’t sleep anyway, so why not?

Nearly 50 years ago, 17-year-old Randy Gardner stayed awake 264 hours, or 11 days. I guess he did it for a science fair, and ended up with a world record. Supposedly. His feat was scientifically documented, but the Guinness Book is no longer keeping track of people who are staying awake for science’s sake, or just to win a bet with their frat brothers. This is according to that super-reliable-because-everyone-gets-to-edit-the-articles site, Wikipedia. Guinness won’t record sleep-deprivation records because they’re afraid something might happen to someone who attempts them. Translation: lawsuits. What ever happened to stretching the limits of human ability for an entry in Guinness, or for the sake of science? If you are willing to die for science, that’s badass, in my opinion.
I’ve wondered if I should go to the doctor to see if I can get some prescription meds that will do a better job of knocking me out. Sominex seemed to work, but I never see it on shelves anymore. The Unisom is hit or miss, or maybe I’m building a tolerance to it. It doesn’t seem to matter if I consume caffeinated drinks or not. I’ve chugged down Coca-Cola, only to feel a sugar crash an hour or two later, which sometimes makes me want to curl up on the floor of whatever store I happen to be in and catch a quick nap. Other times, I’ve not had any cola, or coffee, or chocolate, and I’m pumped up like I’m about to hit the stage of the Jerry Springer show or Maury.

I suppose I’m not helping matters any by surfing the web on my Galaxy III. It’s such a luxury to be entertained in bed by all sorts of gory, creepy or gross websites or videos. Sometimes, I even learn something. It was checking out pimple-popping videos that I came across something called tonsil stones. These are sort of like pimples, except they collect in your tonsils. They are made up of bacteria, calcium and other fun stuff and when they are in your tonsils, it feels like something is stuck in your throat. I first encountered these when I was in my twenties, and wondered what these little off-white, tiny, dough-like blobs were. I’d be walking along, and all of a sudden, I’d feel a pop in my throat, and the blob would be on my tongue. I’d fish it out and inspect it. They look harmless, but I’d take a whiff and be horrified. To be perfectly honest, this blobs smell like shit. Literally, like shit. And this thing came OUT OF MY MOUTH. I’d be freaked out and embarrassed and wonder what I was doing to get them (sometimes, they are hereditary.) Sometimes, years would go by before I realized I hadn’t had one in a while. But if you ever run across someone with truly disgusting breath—you can probably bet everything you own they have tonsil stones. One is bad enough. But a whole nest of them? Ghastly. (Yes, I watched a video of them being removed. I have some weird obsessions.)

So being an insomniac can have benefits. I am pleased when I go online and figure out something I’ve struggled with or have had for years, and it answers my question as to what it is, and if there’s anything I can do about it. Who needs cable when the Internet has so much more for a little over a dollar a day? Why get out of bed when your entertainment system is literally 6x3 inches and weighs perhaps an ounce?
Some people have theorized that the reason I can’t sleep is because of my ongoing financial problems. Not so—I’m better off now, (sort of) than I was four years ago. Even if I won the lottery tomorrow for $100 million, I still wouldn’t be able to sleep. Instead of watching pimple videos, no doubt I’d be shopping on Niemanmarcus.com picking out a Balenciaga Le Dix Cartable Flap Satchel Bag in Aubergine for a totally reasonable $2,075. And I’d get the adorable Paper Envelope Cross Body Bag (also by Balenciaga) in yellow for a mere $1,275. It wouldn’t matter that I couldn’t sleep for days, because with that much money, I wouldn’t have to do anything for a living. So if I stayed up five days straight, what would it matter? I’d sleep whenever. And buy whatever. And life WOULD be a dream.