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Subscription remorse ó or, who are these people anyway?

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2014-10-21


A few weeks ago, I wrote about the time I subscribed to People magazine. Or tried to. It was back at the beginning of the year when I thought I sent them a check for my subscription. I received four issues, then the magazines stopped coming. I got warnings that my subscription would be suspended until payment was made. At the time I was broke (when am I NOT broke?) and figured Iíd rather spend the $39 I owed People on such luxurious things as food, utilities and phone payments. My finances were really that bad. As much as I wanted a magazine subscription, I could live without it. So I put off the payments for a while.

When I finally figured I could afford it, I sent them another check, and requested they call me when they received the payment (they never called). The issues resumed, with rubber-faced, recently deceased Joan Rivers on the cover.

I thought it would take another two months before theyíd be begging me to re-subscribe. I was wrong of course. It was a mere two weeks later than Iím getting issues with ďHurry! Your subscription ends soon!Ē in huge bright pink and blue letters. How the hell can my subscription be running out when I just sent them a check a month ago? They stopped sending the issues a long time ago, because they didnít get my money. Fair enough. Then, I sent them money. And now my subscription is almost running out? The whole situation is completely annoying to me and after looking through the latest issue, Iím underwhelmed. Itís Peopleís 40th anniversary, and I flipped through the pages, some with pictures of celebrities I actually recognized. Taylor Swift actually looked different for once. I always wonder if she passes out photos of herself every so often. Her looks are so consistent, it seems she never has a bad mood and never runs out of red lipstick. I almost hope she never finds Mr. Right, because it seems sheís made a career out of writing songs about her ex-boyfriends. Money always trumps true love (according to me, that is) so I hope Swiftís future is full of cads.

So now Iíve got this magazine coming to my house and Iím regretting it. Magazines that I have genuinely enjoyed in the past like Spy and The Nose always go belly up. I think my tastes are too quirky to dedicate myself to one magazine. People is fairly generic, but since I donít watch television and rarely listen to the radio, the only celebrities Iím familiar with are the ones who are addicts, attention whores or on a collision course with disaster. I personally canít wait until Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber get married. You thought Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson were a strange combo? Cyrus and Bieber were meant for each other, like a steak and mashed potato and bacon sandwich with melted cheese keeping the hideous cholesterol monstrosity together. If itís a boy, they could call him Mylin. If itís a girl, they could call her Jusley. Or, if they really want to keep it quirky, they could name the kid OMFG (which is probably what a lot of people will be saying if Cyrus and Bieber ever reproduce.)

Until then, Iíll keep looking forward to People magazine ending up in my mailbox every Friday until I get the notification that this is YOUR LAST ISSUE UNLESS YOU RENEW NOW! Then, I might give some other publication a try. Iím really not looking to be educated, just entertained. Itís too bad the Weekly World News is no longer being printed. If you had a sense of humor and were slightly nuts (like me) it was always an amusing read. Perhaps itís time to get a sub to Star magazine. I always appreciate their Celebrities Without Makeup photo spreads. Itís comforting to know that the most seemingly beautiful women donít get that way without a lot of $60 mascara and other overpriced stuff like primer, eyeliner, foundation, blush, lipstick and eyeshadow. The magazine seems to have the right mix of young, middle-aged and old celebrities, so Iím sure to recognize someone. Star is lowbrow enough for me. I read Vogue on occasion, and I recently bought an issue of Elle, simply because Lorde was on the cover. Yes, I enjoy her music. So sue me. Her next effort might suck, simply because now sheís rich and performing all over the place, and sheís essentially become a ďroyal.Ē Being young and broke and unknown and singing about your friendsí livesí might take you to the top, but after you get to the top, thereís only one direction (pun intended) to go. Remember Gotye, anyone? Now heís just somebody that we listened to.

So whether or not Iíll find out about Bieber and Cyrusís future love child from People or Star remains to be seen. As someone who lives an extremely unlavish lifestyle, I almost feel guilty about having a magazine subscription. If the money situation gets too tight, Iíll just hang around the grocery store and flip through the mags when Iím waiting in line to get my mac and cheese rung up.

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