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Wholesome Christians Need Freaky Love Too

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2013-12-19

File this under the “WTF? Department”: Christian swingers. Yes, I said Christian swingers. I saw this somewhere on FB, and I had to shake my head, or SMH, as they say on the 'book.

I love how people can justify ANYTHING. And after reading an article on ABCnews.com about this, it just sort of makes me laugh how people are willing to pigeonhole themselves in order to create an identity. That's why I've always shied away from groups like Catholic Writers of Puerto Rican German Descent Who Are Overweight and Work Three Part Time Jobs. Yeah, it describes me, but that's not ALL I am.

I can't imagine it would be fun to find couples on Christian Swingers. I'm looking at the home page for the website right now, and the line right before the paragraph explaining the site says (and I'm not making this up, Dave Barry) Christian Swingers - New Dating Site For Faithful Couples. I'm sure there's a website out there for recovering heroin addicts: Meet new dealers and other people slowly killing themselves! No one will judge you!

Christian swingers. Boy, it sure gives new meaning to the phrase, “thy rod and staff should comfort me,” doesn't it? Here's the first paragraph, typos and all, off the home page of the site:

For Christian Swingers things are not easy – often other religious people judge you, out of ignorance or envy, telling you that your lifestyle and love practices are wrong. But the Bible teaches us ‘Judge not lest ye be judged’ and there’s that verse about the first stone… but if you’re keen on keeping your privacy, well – yours, and don’t want your friends, coworkers, other PTA members or just about anyone else to know that you don’t have a problem with faith and enjoying free love with other couples, this sitecan help you! It’s designed to cater to the needs of those like you: devout Christian couples who still want to have an active love life and share it with another, in good faith!

I feel sorry (sorta) for the couple featured on the home page. Their faces are pixeled out, but this white man and woman can never wear the clothes they are wearing in the picture out in public ever again. “Paulandbetty” are a couple looking for a couple. I have no idea what the number 59 in parentheses means, however. That they are 59 years old? That together, their ages add up to 59? Perhaps that's the number of threesomes they've had. Each of these scenarios is about three miles past disturbing.

I'm pretty conservative when it comes to marriage. That is probably one of the few areas where I am completely conservative. So to see a site like this is both hilarious and horrifying, and proves that people are animals, when you get right down to it. I suppose you can believe in God and be a swinger, but it just sort of makes me realize that some people are wrapped up in religion, and that's what they identify with. If someone introduces themselves to me as a Christian, I pretty much know what to expect. I'm not going to ask them about swinging, that's for sure. For one thing, people's sex lives can be downright creepy. And there's probably no bigger turn-off than thinking about Christians who are willing to seek out other Christians for whipped cream and caramel-filled orgies.

Although, I do think it would make a hell of a sitcom. Pastor Earl and his wife, Tammy, lead a small town Indiana Christian church, but are getting a bit bored with their sex life. They respond to an ad on ChristianSwingers.com to explore S and M and discover assistant pastor Barry and wife Sue are looking for bottom buddies. Look for “God Forbid” on ABC this January. Starring Mark Souder, Ted McGinley, and Betty White as “Sexy Sadie, the S and M Lady.”