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You want Hollywood insider information? We got that too.

By Bert Ehrmann

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Fort Wayne Reader

2004-09-13

A month or two ago while The Fort Wayne Reader took a break from publishing (I suspect rehab) I was forced to do the unthinkable – I had to answer my own e-mail. You have no idea how embarrassing it was for me to hit “receive” in my mail program only to find out that I only had 1,278 messages waiting for me over a span of two weeks. Ugh. And I thought you people liked me.

At first I tried to get Raul, a paid intern over at the paper, to answer my mail for me. “Raul,” I said, “just pretend that you’re me and be rude in every third message you respond to.” All Raul would say to me was that I was “boco in la boca” as he rocketed off in his ’69 Chevy to parts unknown. (Or his summer home on the shores of Lake Michigan, I’m not sure which.)


As I waded through these e-mails I began to realize that I’ve been receiving a lot of tips about movies and television shows from Hollywood insiders. And for some reason the editors of the paper had been filtering out these messages before they reached me. Which is unthinkable since there was some really, really good information these insiders have been sending me.


So, I present to you the best of the best from these insiders:

From u-rstoopid – Both the Warner Brothers and 20th Century Fox movie studios are working on new musicals which have regained popularity in the wake of movie successes like Chicago and Mulan Rouge. Rather than simply remaking an old musical movie like Bye Bye Birdie or Gladiator, these studios are looking to put a musical twist on already hit movie franchises.

Warner Brothers has Batman: Rocking Out in the works where multi-millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne plays lead guitar and sings in a heavy metal rock band during the day while moonlighting as crime fighting Batman at night. Songs for the production reportedly include a rocking version of the Batman theme song, several different solo numbers, and a duo between Batman and The Joker – who leads a rival band called “The We’re Not So Funnymen.” The song they sing together is reportedly titled “There’s nothin’ funny about us.”

U-rstoopid said that the movie’s producers are looking to Queensryche frontman Geoff Tate to fill the movie guitar strings of Bruce Wayne. (He doesn’t seem to be doing much anyway.)

Also mentioned in the e-mail, 20th Century Fox has a musical version of their hit franchise Star Wars in production. This time, the computer wizards over at ILM who already provide the digital effects for the Star Wars movies, are going to reedit the original three Star Wars movies inserting digital characters doing song and dance numbers in brand new scenes.

Some song titles mentioned in the e-mail include “It’s a lonely place of dying; Ode to a trash compactor”, “Would you trust a Wookie?” and “Luke, Where’d Your Hand Go?”

From imjok-in03 – The next season of Donald Trump’s television show The Apprentice will be filmed on an alternate dimensional Earth where Donald Trump is as cool and good-looking as he seems to think he is.

From usme~1l – This winter, television network UPN will premier a limited mini-series television event entitled The Plague Tree. Usme~1l reports that the plot of The Plague Tree follows a group of scientists who after accidentally ripping a hole into the future time space continuum with an anti-matter matter creator must repair the damage they’ve done. The scientists have to complete their task in seven days before an army from the future has a chance to break through this rift into our present.

The twist here is that this army is composed entirely of mice being lead by Gengis Mouse bent on present day world annihilation. In this future, the mice live out in the open while men live in the walls of the mouse homes.

These mice have a deadly weapon up their four sleeves; future genius Albert Mouseinstein has invented a deadlier version of the Bubonic Plague, which spread through Europe hundreds of years ago. The mice intend to wipe out the human race in our time so we don’t pester them in theirs.

From cnsprcy_nut1983 – Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage, and Peter Facenilli form the Triumvirate of Three and are in fact are in charge of the whole Hollywood system. (I am as surprised at this as you.) According to this e-mail, these three make all the day-to-day studio decisions in Hollyweird choosing which actors and actresses will star in which picture and, in fact, green light all major motion pictures out there.

The e-mail from cnsprcy_nut1983 went onto say that these three were in fact vampires preparing the world for eventual vampire rule. I would have to dispute this “fact” since I have seen both Cruise and Facenilli in recent movies that take place during the day, which would exclude them from being part of the larger vampire conspiracy. (It is anyone’s guess whether Cage is a vampire. He has the vampire “look” and seems to prefer movies that take place during the night.)

It’s amazing what I learned just by reading my e-mails for a change. (I’m generally a technophobe who feels that the typewriter was a mistake.) But keep the e-mails coming – send any Hollywood insider information you have, recipes for building bootlegged anti-personnel mines, limericks, poems, and the whatnot to Dangerous Universe care of The Fort Wayne Reader.