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Weiners and Terminators and Jackasses, Oh My!

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2011-07-04

I used to think men have it made, and in a lot of ways, they do, but after some recent events, I’m thinking being a woman is a blessing. For one thing, we’re smarter.

The events were the news that Arnold Schwartzenegger had an affair (and a love child) and Anthony Weiner’s pics. Right on the heels of these stories was “Jackass” star Ryan Dunn dying in a car accident. The Weiner debacle is particularly funny because of his unfortunate but hilariously ironic name and the potential for funny headlines (Weiner Busted for Showing His, Weiner Gets Roasted) but men doing stupid things when it comes to sex is, of course, not new. Women have done stupid things as well, and you’d think we’d know better, especially when it comes to birth control. WE’RE the ones who end up pregnant, all the guys have to do is fork over some money, because it’s easier to do that than to spend time with the kid. And as we all know (but you men will never, ever admit) if guys could get pregnant, all their talk about the “sanctity of life” would go out the window and abortion would be available at the local convenience store.

But sadly, men cannot get pregnant. For a lot of them, one woman is never enough, no matter how gorgeous she happens to be. That’s why I feel better about my pathetic love life, because I figure if wealthy, successful, attractive women get cheated on, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

Another reason I’m glad I’m a woman is that I don’t think with my vagina. Put an attractive woman in front of a man, and their minds (the men’s minds) go blank, or else they put forth an attempt to pick the woman up. Sure, dude, go for it. The young women I work with sometimes tell me stories about men in their forties (and anyone in their forties seems practically geriatric when you’re 22 or so) who try to pick them up. Or else, the men come into the store repeatedly and “hang out” with these women, thinking they’ll get somewhere with them. Yes, that huge belly of yours, which makes you look like you’re expecting triplets, is a real chick-magnet, along with your unshaven face, and that reek of tobacco that surrounds you. Yes, you’re a real dreamboat, especially to some young, fresh-faced girl who has to put up with your efforts at conversation.

I’ve always thought Schwartzenegger was way overrated as an actor and a bit of a chauvinist pig, so I wasn’t really surprised when I found out he and Maria were splitting. I’ll never understood how a Republican and a Democrat could live in the same house, although I suppose if I had a 40 room mansion, with separate wings each housing a swimming pool, kitchen, media room, spacious bedroom and gym, even I could live with my brother without killing him. But poor Maria. At least I don’t have to live with a politician and put up a front.

And as for Weiner, I can’t understand why men send naked pictures of themselves to women they barely know. Back in the day, when I published a ‘zine, some guy sent me pictures of himself naked. He even included a refrigerator magnet. Men, that is SO not an ice breaker. It will take another 10,000 years before men actually realize men and women don’t think the same way. When I see an attractive man, I don’t automatically think, “gee, I think I should ask for his address so I can send him naked pictures of myself,” instead I think “gee, I hope that guy doesn’t say anything mean to me, or hit me.”

Then there’s Ryan Dunn. From the one news article I glanced at just a few minutes ago, he seemed like a nice guy who didn’t let fame go to his head. That’s all well and good, but did anyone tell him that his stunts were basically flipping the finger in Death’s face, and that one day, Death would flip back? It’s kind of ironic that he didn’t die on camera, but instead went out in a wooded area. Maybe this is morbid (and perhaps in poor taste) but do you think one of his last thoughts was, “damn, I wish I had a camera crew behind me? Because this is just sooo cool!”

My mother and I were convinced that Steve Irwin, former Crocodile Hunter, would die on camera. We ended up being right, but that footage never got aired.

So gentleman, if you play with the fire, be prepared to die by the fire. That’s all I’m sayin.’

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to drive over to McDonald’s (without my seatbelt) to get a 20-piece McNugget meal, washed down with a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice before I jump off the bridge into St. Mary’s River for my five mile swim. Naked. I’m feeling brave and invincible and stupid.

Just like a man.