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Matchmaker, Matchmaker, STFU!

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2011-03-20

Now that I’m not in a relationship anymore, I’ve had at least one friend ask me if I’ve been on any dating sites. The answer to that is “no.” I think I need to take a break.

But what I don’t understand is when my female friends talk about male friends in their lives who are either harassing them, or otherwise being pains in the ass. I hear all the attributes about these guys: they’re alcoholics, into drugs, play too many video games, unemployed, just out of jail, just got out of a relationship where they beat their girlfriend/wife or otherwise has questionable behavior. Inevitably, they say, “my friend is looking for someone to hang out with. I mentioned your name and he’s interested in meeting you. Would you like to meet him?” Hell no!

I kid you not, I’ve had well-meaning friends say, “oh I know this guy, he drinks too much, but he’s really nice. I think you two should meet.” I think not. If you can’t reform this guy, Lord knows I can’t. Nor do I want to. And why my female friends think they know the kind of guy I want is beyond me. Sometimes I wonder if they even know me at all. If a guy has a goatee, a big beer belly, doesn’t like to read, thinks Fort Wayne is okay, votes Republican, likes NASCAR and expects me to stay in the kitchen getting the wings and fries ready, I can tell you right now this isn’t the guy for me. And until I become the woman that the kind of guy that I want wants, I’ll have to deal with being alone.

Actually, in listening to friends and co-workers talk about their relationships, I really don’t think I should get involved in another one. Seems like no one is happy. The stories are depressing; one woman supports her boyfriend and pays his bail; another is in a sexless relationship even though they live together; another woman who’s been married for 30 years had her husband take off a month ago. They’ve had troubles before; when I asked why not just get a divorce, she said it costs too much.

So as I write this on Valentine’s Day eve, I’m not particularly broken up that I am not in a relationship. I work three jobs, so it’s not like I have a whole lot of free time to devote to making a relationship work. And men are just plain weird; make more money than they do and they get defensive. Do something better than they do and they are hurt. If you’ve had a bad day and just need to vent, they go deaf. And as long as I live, I will never go to a male therapist again. The one I had was extremely attractive, but talking to him was like talking to a brick wall. There are certain occupations men should never, ever try to work and anything that falls under “nurturing” or “guidance” they should avoid like the plague.

Anybody reading out there who knows someone who would be “perfect” for me, I appreciate your concern, but unless this dude is extremely wealthy and is totally okay with letting me spend his money, I’ll remain single. I have issues. And the few men I attract seem to have issues. Issues aren’t fun. And I’ll listen to my friends and co-workers talk about what’s going on with their men, and say, “that could be me, but thankfully it isn’t.”

And I imagine I’ll end up in a nursing home, listening to my fellow residents talk about their bad marriages and the tattoos of their ex’s on various body parts. I’m sure by then those tats will look excellent. The other residents might feel sorry that I was spouseless, but one thing is for sure: I’ll not be adding to the bad marriages of the world, or the messy divorces.