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Another Hooters, but in Plaid

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2010-08-23

I saw in the paper recently that another sports bar is coming to town. Great, just what we need. As a city, we’re not nearly fat enough, so bring on another wings and beer joint. Maybe Aboite Township, with its expensive real estate and wealthier people, will join the rest of Fort Wayne and turn into a bunch of rich fat asses. Because this restaurant is going to be on Illinois Road.

I don’t frequent sports bars because they don’t have much to offer me. I found a kick-ass recipe for onion rings on YouTube, and it’s ruined me for onion rings, onion petals, or blooming onions offered by restaurants or food vendors. I don’t like wings, and having a gazillion televisions turned to the fight/game/race doesn’t interest me.

I know that some servers are really good at their jobs and love it, while others enjoy the flexible hours. Still others do it for the money. This particular sports bar is going to offer female servers in skirts. Sound familiar? And the guy who is opening up this place had the gall to say the restaurant was “unique” in the sense that it looks like an English/Irish/Scottish pub. Wow. Really? Uh, can you say, “Bennigans”? How about J.K. O’Donnell’s downtown? Unique, huh? Well, this is Fort Wayne. I guess an English/Irish/Scottish pub with women in skirts (and I bet they’ll be short) is about as unique as Fort Wayne can handle.

This place makes me wonder why women are okay with dressing up in scantily clad uniforms to deliver food to shlubby jackasses for what, $2.13 an hour plus tips? You never see a chain restaurant with hot guys wearing Speedos. I’d call that one “Peckers” just for laughs. They’d wear bright yellow Speedos and be known as “Speedo Boys.” Of course, there will be a backlash. “How dare you exploit men for such a low wage!?” Kiss my ass. Women have made less than men for God knows how long for doing the same damn job. It’s about time men have to wear humiliating clothes to make a buck. Oh God, could you imagine? “Peckers: Home of the foot long, fully loaded hot dog.” Or how about a chicken joint called MotherCluckers? “Our chicken is frickin’ kickin!”

My fantasy (well, “Peckers” is one of them) is to have a restaurant where customer service was an afterthought. Instead of bending over backwards, the servers would have a “you’ll get your food when you get your food” kind of attitude. Years ago, a friend and I went to Chicago. She wanted to eat at Ed Debevic’s, a place where the servers are actually kind of rude to you, or at least indifferent. It was kind of refreshing after the relentlessly cheerful servers “Hi! I’m Kathy, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” So does that mean if I have a heart attack, you’ll be administering the defibrillator? Just take my order correctly and serve me my food.

What would be Fort Wayne’s most unique restaurant to date? Servers age 60 or older, stern mom or grandmother types who serve you a normal-sized portion of a balanced meal: no basket of bread and butter, no appetizers. No alcohol or soft drinks, just water, milk or iced tea. No free refills, either. Plenty of green veggies. Fruit for dessert, or perhaps a sliver of pie or cake. The meals wouldn’t be so huge that you’d need a box to take it home, and if you did ask for one, you’d get an earful: “do you know there are starving children in Africa who would love to eat that?” Yeah, I’d call it Mom’s Place. No televisions, no singing/dancing servers, just sensible food served by women who know what’s good for you. And unlike most restaurants, if you wanted to loosen your belt, or undo your pants button, you’d be able to without being arrested. Mom would understand. She might not like it, but she’d understand.