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We Didn't See it Coming...Or Did We?

By Gloria Diaz

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Fort Wayne Reader

2010-06-07

Just when I was trying to get used to saying, “Congressman for life, Mark Souder,” I get a voice mail from Robert. I’ll never forget it: a dreary Tuesday, sitting in my car eating lunch, when I check my messages and found out that yes indeed, Souder was leaving. I called Robert and asked why he was calling it quits.

“He had an affair.”

Did anyone honestly think it would end like this? I mean, really. I couldn’t understand why someone who seemed so unpopular managed to stay in office so damn long, but Robert’s theory is that Souder kept getting reelected just so he’d have to stay in Washington and not spend so much time back here. Could be. I’m kicking myself for not punching Souder out while I had the chance (he was sitting across the room from me in my favorite Chinese restaurant several weeks ago). It looked like he was with family, so I didn’t think it would be too cool to go over and tell him what a douche bag I thought he was. Instead, he ADMITTED what a douche bag he was in the typical, “I’m so sorry, I’m a sinner, I’ve failed” tear-jerking resignation speech.

An affair. Did anyone see that coming? Oh sure, politicians are human just like the rest of us, with a more high profile job, which means when they fall, EVERYONE knows about it. But Souder having an affair? I guess we expect that of people who are attractive and have a little joie de vivre, not a humorless, middle-aged Indiana politician. Souder seems to be as sexy as a combination monk/accountant/librarian, yet he was getting it on with someone. Amazing.

On the other hand, maybe we should have suspected something. The abstinence discussion he did with his paramour (what balls!) made me wonder how they both got through it without giggling. One wonders what sorts of thoughts were going through their minds when espousing the virtues of just saying no: “Oh Mark, don’t hold back any longer!” “Tracy, you dirty, dirty girl.” “I AM dirty. Lather me up, you naughty boy.” Okay, I’ve gotta stop. I’ve got a strong stomach, but even this is making me sick. True to Hoosier classiness, they were doing the nasty in an RV in a park somewhere. I’ve never had an affair, and don’t want to have one, but Jesus, if I did, I’d hope the guy could spring for a Holiday Inn, at least. A mobile home? From now on, I’m calling them “Soudermobiles.”

I guess I’m a fool for wanting the politicians who represent me to be smarter than me, better with money than I am and more moral. I need to stop that kind of thinking. At the same time though, this is not helping the GOP. Honesty? Integrity? If you are going to talk the talk, you’d better walk the walk. And Souder didn’t. He just didn’t, okay? I’ve never liked the guy, but this is the icing on the cake.

So beware, politicians, celebrities, professional jackasses. If you are rabid homophobes, please don’t let us catch you with your bottom boy of the week. Hate junkies? Then stop doing the Vicodin. NOW! (Paging Rush Limbaugh!) At least be honest with your own failings.

And as for me? I’m terrible with money, I don’t want to be a grown up, my house is a mess and I have sex on a regular basis in a normal bed, not in a Econoline van like some white trash, low-rent hooker.

And now you know. My name is Gloria Diaz, and I approve this column.