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Tattoo Couture Too Too Much

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2010-03-08


I don’t like tattoos. I know there are plenty of people reading this who do have tattoos, and that is your choice. Nothing will ever convince me that tattoos are Middle America mainstream. I see tattoo and think, “thug,” “ex-con” or “wild child.” They remind me of elementary school and kids so bored in class they pulled out Magic Markers and drew on themselves. From a distance, I wonder why some person’s leg looks dirty, and on closer inspection, it’s a tattoo. Thanks to my natural paranoia, I’m convinced that tattoos are a government plot to “mark” people so they can monitor them. How do YOU know that the tattoo ink being used doesn’t have a transmitting device? I actually saw an article where types of tattoos are profiled; I think some law enforcement agency in Michigan was using it to narrow down and identify suspects.

Tattoos are now so common that Ed Hardy’s designs are everywhere. Unfortunately. Hardy is a tattoo artist who got some sort of deal and now his designs are on curling irons, straightening irons, car fresheners, t-shirts and lots of other things, including shoes.

We can blame Christian Audigier for the onslaught of Ed Hardy apparel. I’m not alone in my dislike for Ed Hardy; a search on YouTube coughed up a rap song titled “F**K Ed Hardy.” The chorus went, “F**k Ed Hardy/and if you’re wearing his sh*t, I’m sorry.” The song is kind of amusing; the video consists of a still picture of some poor little kid in an Ed Hardy shirt. Apparently, his stuff is popular among the folks at “Jersey Shore.” I guess I’d call his stuff “tacky classy.” It’s worn by people who want to give the impression they are into designer things, but to me it smacks of, well, tackiness. Like too much gold jewelry, or one inch long fingernails when you’re wearing a velour track suit. Just because a shirt cost $70 doesn’t mean it’s WORTH it.

A trip to Von Maur’s clearance room saw Ed Hardy stilettos, sneakers and flats at cut-rate prices. Forty dollars for a pair of Converse-style shoes covered with a tattoo design just isn’t worth it. But why stop there? I can think of other things just begging for the Hardy touch:

The Ed Hardy mobile home: I can totally see a snake wound around a heart emblazoned with the word “Mother” showing up in some trailer park, perhaps in a place called…
Ed Hardy Estates: just the perfect place to show off your “inked” mobile home.

And why not Ed Hardy Beer?

The list can go on: Ed Hardy condoms, Ed Hardy dental care products, Ed Hardy mousepad (oh wait, I saw that at Office Depot) Ed Hardy roach clip, Ed Hardy glue (for those into trendy sniffing) Ed Hardy towels, Ed Hardy Snuggies (hey, it could happen!) and perhaps an Ed Hardy Beanie Baby. An Ed Hardy computer has to be on the horizon, somewhere. Ed Hardy phone cases, Ed Hardy MP3 players…there’s really no limit.

Why some of this stuff is being sold at higher end stores is beyond me. This stuff deserves to be sold at Wal-mart.
Supposedly, Hardy himself is a retired tattoo artist, but swung a deal to have his stuff everywhere. For someone like me who doesn’t like tattoos, it’s just one more torture in a heartless, cruel world. If they make an Ed Hardy doormat, perhaps I’ll buy it—just so I can wipe my feet on it.

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