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Dear Mr. President: Where's MY Bailout?

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2009-04-21

Dear Mr. President:

I’m writing to you about the bailout. Frankly, I’m pissed off. If someone rewarded me for performing poorly on the job and mismanaging my money, I’d be laughing my ass off right now. Instead, I’ve got bill collectors bugging me. So where’s MY bailout?

Listen to me. I’ve never killed anyone. Never swindled anyone out of money. Never told someone to invest in a phony, get-rich-quick scheme. I donate to charity. I even bring in food for my co-workers! I managed to get through a tough year last year, after I lost my job in the spring. I scrambled for work and did odd jobs just to get by. I have to admit, it was the scariest time in my life, but I got through it.

However, I am ashamed to admit I’m not buying stuff like I used to, because I’m realizing the importance of having an emergency fund. I’m tempted every day, but I try to remind myself it’s more satisfying to look at my savings account balance instead of the new pile of crap I just purchased at Target. I know, I know. Not buying very much doesn’t help the economy. But this is where you come in.

I would like a stimulus check. I now know the error of my ways, so I’m asking for only $10 million dollars. That’s right, just a paltry $10 mil. Lest you think I’d hog it to myself, you’re only partially right. I’ll tell you how I’d use the money. I don’t own a business, and I don’t employ anyone to do anything for me, but I promise I will do good with this money.

First off, since charity begins at home, I would pay off my bills in full. I feel really bad that I am not able to pay my bills like I used to. I spent money that I didn’t have to invest in myself, which, some people say, is perfectly acceptable. I did it in order to get a better-paying job. I do have that now, but I also have way more bills. I would use part of my stimulus check to pay those bills, which come to a substantially lower amount than what GM is begging you for. I would also give some to my family. Then, I would pay off my friends’ mortgages. A couple of them live on the south side of town, which is sort of like the south side of Chicago, except we don’t have a cool skyline to look at while we’re getting robbed. Just kidding, south siders! I would bestow $10,000 to each of my co-workers at my full-time job. They are nice people, and a couple of young guys in my department are looking to buy houses. I figure some extra cash would help them with either the down payment, or buying stuff for their new pads.

I would also donate some of the money to Matthew 25, a health clinic in town that helps low-income people, and those who don’t have insurance. I’m sure with all the recent layoffs here in northeast Indiana, they are overwhelmed with people who have lost their jobs and don’t know how they are going to pay for routine checkups and medicine.
I would also donate to the animal shelters here in town and in the surrounding counties. The animals are suffering in this economy, too.

Habitat For Humanity is a great organization, and I’d like to put some money in that direction, to maybe develop a Habitat subdivision, instead of yet another group of mini-mansions with names like Dells of Serendipity or Paradise Falls.

A guy I work with has a great idea for a reality show, and with a little money, I could help him with that.

As for developing business here in the city, I’d like to start a movie theater, sort of a revival-type set up, showing old movies and having theme weeks based on the films.
There are lots of good things I could do with the money. And instead of being some greedy corporation with an idiotic CEO who thinks he deserves $50 million a year plus bonuses just for running a company (and running it into the ground) I’d actually give back to my community. It’s a win-win proposition.

One last thing: I’d take some of the money and change the name of our new baseball stadium to Gloria Diaz Field of Schemes. The way things are going, my money just might be the only thing to bail it out.

So Mr. President, please consider my request. I’m sure my friends, family and co-workers would be deliriously happy if I sent some money their way. I’m sure they’d even spend some of it and get the economy, at least here in northeast Indiana, going again. Shoot, I’ll even buy an RV if you want me to! I ask you to seriously consider my request. It’s only $10 million! And remember these three little words: YES YOU CAN!

Sincerely,
Gloria Diaz