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My Superbowl Saga

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2008-02-18

The first spectator sport I ever watched growing up was hockey. I liked hockey when hockey wasn’t cool. From the age of three through part of college, dad and I would attend Komet hockey games. I remember the 1980 Olympic hockey team’s victory over the Soviets and the gold medal game. The Stanley Cup Playoffs were observed in our home, until the networks stopped broadcasting the games. Our dog, Ruffles, would chase the players on the screen.

But I’m trying to broaden my horizons, so when my boyfriend invited me to watch the Superbowl with him at a friend’s house, I agreed. I like these people, so I decided to refrain from yelling, “GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAL!” Andrés Cantor-style, or indignantly asking, “what do you mean there’s no penalty box?” or “what period is this anyway?”

I must admit I missed most of the first half. I wanted to have dinner and go to the grocery store, instead of saving it until after the game. I couldn’t quite believe that the game started at 6 p.m., but at least I was there for the more important (and exciting) second half.

I don’t remember ever watching a Superbowl all the way through. Much has been made about the commercials, but apparently, this year, they weren’t all that great. I did see some spots I enjoyed, and I was pleased to see my favorites were ranked in the top ten via an America Online poll, but the peanut gallery overall wasn’t impressed. Here are some that stood out to me (yes, I took notes) in particular:

The Planters commercial with the unibrow chick was refreshing in the sense that a woman had a prominent spot in a commercial and she wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous. Any more now, if you don’t look perfect, you will NEVER get on television. Kudos to Planters for bucking convention.

The only song of Justin Timberlake’s that I like is “Sexyback,” but overall, I don’t like him. It was nice to see him get knocked on his ass every time that woman took a sip on her Pepsi.

Carmen is my favorite opera, and the music is just wonderful, so it was nice to see Doritos use it. The big mouse was funny too.

Shaq as a jockey in that water commercial was good too. The average jockey, just so you know, is probably between 4’8” and 5’4”.

Bridgestone and Richard Simmons were an unbeatable combination. Simmons takes a lot of flack, but he’s so upbeat and positive, I’m glad someone like that is able to make a living without being a total sleazebag/junkie.

I usually don’t feel sorry for stunning women, but the commercial with Carmen Electra made me sympathize with her. One of the downfalls of being gorgeous is having men of all types after you. Meet and greets have to be absolute nightmares; you’re dealing with men who are as obsessed with you as Trekkies are with Star Trek. You can imagine the shrines in their bedrooms devoted to you; now, you’re face to face with these creeps. As someone who seems to attract mentally unbalanced/potentially dangerous/future murderer type-men, being beautiful AND famous means you are more of a target than a gorgeous nobody. I feel for ya, Carmen. Be sure to beef up your security and bodyguards.

Wall E: = Short Circuit.
The NFL commercial with the oboe playing guy. I had a hard time believing that was a
true story, but apparently, it is. That’s cool. And it was one of the most compelling, inspiring commercials of the evening.

The E Trade baby investor with the barfing and the clown were good. I guess that’s what a baby would buy if he/she had the money, but somehow, I can’t imagine Stewie Griffin hiring a clown. Hiring someone to kill Lois, yeah.

Speaking of Stewie, the Underdog vs. Stewie Coke commercial was nice too, especially when perpetual loser Charlie Brown emerges victorious with the drink. Take that, kite-eating tree!

Will Farrell: The “suck one” Bud Light commercial made me laugh out loud. Farrell appeals to the 14-year-old sense of humor I possess.

The Amp nipple clamp spot was funny, in an S and M kind of way. It’s going to make me wonder, though. Do chunky guys have some secret energy to starting cars? Next time I need a jump start, I guess I’ll find out.

And lastly, the Victoria’s Secret commercial. I thought it was rather dull, but then, I’m not really their target market. When you’re selling to men, you don’t have to work very hard. The tagline, “let the real games begin,” meant well, but I seriously wonder how many couples got it on after the Superbowl. I imagine the games that were played included, “Whose puke is that?” “I’m not picking that up,” and “Who is the drunkest?”

What games did my boyfriend and I play? We separately played, “Scrape the windows off,” and “Drive home safely.” He had to work early in the morning, and I didn’t.
I win! (And so did the Giants, the team I was pulling for. I just knew the Patriots were due for a loss.)