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But if I had been elected…

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader


If you are reading this and voted for me, thank you. I never expected to get the number of votes I ended up with and I’m willing to bet the majority of them came from FWR readers who live in the third district.

However, I want you all to know, you dodged a bullet. What would have gone down if I HAD been elected? I would have worked night and day to turn Fort Wayne into Toronto in the Cornfields. We’d have that big city vibe, there’d be something for everyone, if you are childless and single, you wouldn’t be looked at as a freak, the town would be clean, and everyone, especially the men, would be friendly.

So I lost. And I expected it, because I didn’t really want to run in the first place. No matter how much I pointed out the reasons I had for not running, my protests fell on deaf ears. I wanted to drop out, but when I inquired about this, I was told that the only way I could get out of it was to move out of state or commit a felony. I have been mad enough to want to kill someone on occasion, but figured it wouldn’t be the best way to go. I thought I’d just keep a low profile and not spend any money on the campaign. I filled out a few surveys, but that, plus my political blog, www.gloriaforthirddistrict.blogspot.com, was all I wanted to do. As much as I’d like to see Fort Wayne be a more exciting, fun and culturally stimulating place to live, I think I’ll have to resign myself to the fact that this is a cheap place to live, leave it at that, and go traveling to see what the real world is like.
So Fort Wayne, you’re safe—for now.
I kinda wish I’d stayed in town for the election, but I’m training for a new job and I was in Michigan. I was hoping for a Henry win, and was thankful it happened. Despite the Kelty mess, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been elected, Fort Wayne being what it is. Loyalty is nice, but if George Bush decided to round up all the Jews/Catholics/rednecks/NASCAR fans/ soccer moms/Little League dads or members of any other American subculture and kill them, would people still be supporting him? I would love to ask certain members of the Fort Wayne political elite who support Bush what they would say about this, particularly the Allen County Republican Party, which seems to have fallen apart like a cheap watch.

Looking at the bios of the city council people who did win, I would have been woefully out of place if I HAD snagged my district. Everyone was married, with children. What would my bio have said? Gloria Diaz, age 40, single, no kids. It might as well read, “freak seeks office.” The only thing worse would have been to list my education as being a graduate of Hitler University. There is no such school as I know of, but I AM a graduate of an overpriced private school. And I continue to be a private school snob, despite my self-described economic category of Lower Scraping By.

I did ask people what they wanted to see, in terms of downtown attractions. I got a variety of responses, like unique retail establishments, an IMAX theater, and a water park. My friends, being the colorful characters they are, also said a red light district would be nice. I’ve always thought if we could have a combination Wal-mart/water park/casino/strip club/IMAX theater downtown, that would get the entire city eager to hang out. Something for everyone, remember! I must add that NO ONE said a downtown stadium would get them out of the house. All you newly elected council members, are you listening?
And as for some guy by the name of Kent, who lives in my district, reads my blog and thinks I’m a foul-mouthed lunatic, I have to say this: compliments make me blush. When I am elected, you’ll have a special place in the Gloria Diaz regime… er, uh, administration. Bring plenty of energy drinks and anti-depressants. Because this devil doesn’t wear Prada. I plan to spend the city’s money on more important things: red light districts, an Ikea store, an Imax theater, and a Dave and Buster’s. I don’t believe in giving people what they need, but rather what they want. Or rather, what me and my friends want. Shopping, food and sex. It’s what made this country great, and it’s what Fort Wayne thrives on. Don’t believe me? Go count the restaurants, number of Wal-marts and strip joints currently doing business in the city. See you at the polls in a few years! And thanks again, for your support.

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©2018 Fort Wayne Reader. All rights Reserved.