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Things That Make You Go Hmmm

By Gloria Diaz

Check out Gloria's Blog — Edge of Gloria!

Fort Wayne Reader

2007-10-08

At the risk of sounding like Andy Rooney, (whom I adore) have you ever wondered about certain things, objects and why we do things the way we do? I do. And here’s a list of things that make me say “hmmm.”

What’s up with single shoes in the street or along the side of the road? I think I’ve only seen two pairs of shoes in my life which ended up in the gravel alongside the road.
I’ve seen the “Jesus” graffiti, seen in the same handwriting, in various large cities. Are the people responsible for this a national franchise? Or is it just the same person, defacing mailboxes and lampposts with the name of God’s son? Could it be … Jesus himself?

How can Jughead Jones, of Archie comics fame, eat so much and not get fat? It’s NOT FAIR!!!
I’m not a homophobe, but why do men get turned on by two women kissing? I don’t get excited when I see two men kiss. In fact, quite the opposite.

Hey ladies: do you move your mouth in funny ways when putting on eye makeup, especially eye liner? Why do we do that?

On the day you’re not in a hurry, that’s when you hit all the green lights from one side of town to the other, making your commute from the south side to the north a mere seven minutes.

Why is it that people who own six dozen self-help books are the biggest slobs, the biggest, procrastinators and talk for years about changing their lives without doing a thing?

What race are The Simpsons?

Do those folks whose lives most closely resemble a Jerry Springer or “Maury” show episode think YOU’RE weird because you don’t drink or do drugs, have a job, never had any felonies or misdemeanors and know who the father/mother of your children is?

Why do senators think they can get away with acting like oversexed idiots and thieves? Oh right—they’re politicians.

People who in the process of a divorce are back in the dating scene before the sign the papers. Can you say, “cooling off period”? I knew you could!

Why is it that at 2 a.m., when I have nowhere to go and no one to see me, that’s when my hair looks good enough to be in a hair commercial?

Why, when you look your worst, do you run into someone you want to impress or else take down a notch?

How come we never find out who wins the Irish Sweepstakes? Isn’t it as good as the Powerball Jackpot?
If vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why is it the women on “Maury” looking for the father of their children are portrayed as being helpless victims? I’m sorry, but if you’ve done DNA tests on three men and you still don’t know who the father is, you’re a whore. If you were raped, okay, that’s one thing, but I doubt these women were.

How come born-again Christians make you wish the majority of them had never been born in the first place?

Why do people call them “hot water heaters”? Shouldn’t they just say, “water heaters”? Wouldn’t heating already hot water turn it into steam?

Do you ever wonder about the sanity of the person writing this column?